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August 19th, 2018 is a date I wish I could forget. It is the day I miscarried and our baby became our guardian angel. You never think it will happen to you, until it does. 1 in 4. I was now part of a statistic that I had seen women post about so many times. I never knew what it really meant until that day.
At the time, we had a 2 and 1/2 year old and had just adopted a 8 week old puppy. The pregnancy was not planned but we were over the moon with excitement for our unexpected addition. The week we announced our pregnancy I also had a trip planned for Las Vegas with my grandmother. The morning I was leaving for the trip is when the nightmare began. I found tiny specks of blood and called my doctor. We heard a heartbeat and I was told bleeding was normal in some pregnancies and that it was safe to fly to Las Vegas. What we didn't know is that it was the start of a miscarriage. The bleeding was so bad that we had to go to a random urgent care in Vegas before getting on the plane to go back home. In a random ER, far away from home, there was no heartbeat. I was shattered. We were hours away from our flight and had to hurry to the airport. I had just lost my child two hours before and was about to get on a plane surrounded by strangers. It was in that airport that I poured out my soul into a love note to my sweet baby Micah. I've never shared this letter with anyone until today. If you are or have gone through a miscarriage know that my inbox is open and I am here for you. You are not alone.
To my sweet pea,
Here I am in a crowded airport with tears streaming down my face. Everyone in a hurry and I sit here with my shattered heart.
When I took the first pregnancy test I was overwhelmed with emotions. Although you were a huge surprise, I was so excited to be your mommy. You were what would complete our family. Your daddy and big brother were so excited. We were already picking out names and talking about who you were destined to be. Everything was perfect. You were exactly what we needed and wanted. But in an instant, everything changed.
The day that I found specks of blood I knew something was wrong. I instantly felt a punch to my heart. I went straight to the doctor and surprisingly the sonogram showed me your tiny flickering healthy heartbeat. I thanked the Lord that my sweet baby was okay. The doctor said I was okay and could get on a airplane for my weekend getaway. So off I went with a thankful heart.
But then a few days went by and the bleeding didn't stop. It just continued to get worse and worse. My heart knew something was wrong but I wasn't ready to hear the news. But I also couldn't get on the airplane to head home without knowing if my baby was okay. I kept telling myself that I was fine-you were fine-WE were fine. Sadly, I was wrong. I went into the ER and they immediately began running tests. The sonogram tech did her job but I wasn't allowed to watch. I was told we would have to wait for the doctor to review everything. So we waited. What seemed like forever. The doctor came into the room and told me 4 words that instantly shattered my heart and soul. "There is no heartbeat." The tears that began to fall were my first tears in over a year. I told the doctor that he was wrong. I had just heard your tiny heartbeat 48 hours before. He said he was sorry again but that he was sure that your heart had stopped and they had no idea why.
I left that ER a different person than I went in. I left empty. With one less beating heart inside of myself. Grabbed a taxi and went straight to the airport. Although my world had stopped spinning I knew life must go on.
As I wait for my plane to arrive, I want to say I'm sorry sweet angel that I never got to hold you in my arms. I don't know why you were taken from me but I do know that you are now being held beneath the wings of Christ right now. His wings are safer and more secure than even my womb was for you. You must have been too beautiful for this earth and deserved an early entry to the gates of heaven. Although we never looked at each other, face to face, I know that when I someday reach those gates we will recognize each other's hearts and embrace for eternity.
I want to be angry with our Heavenly Father but I've loved and followed him long enough to know that His plan is perfect. Even when we don't understand. I grieve for the life we could've shared together. But I smile knowing that Jesus is taking better care of you than I ever could have. You will never have to experience the trials and evils of this world. I am thankful for that.
I love you my sweet angel. Always and forever I'll carry you deep in my heart until we can finally embrace. Life must go on but know you will never be forgotten.
Love always,
Your momma
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